I'm coming for dinner...

So yesterday my girlfriend, my cousin and my little niece who is four went over to my parents' house for dinner. My little niece inspired me to behave badly. From here on out I will go to my friend's houses and re-enact her behavior exactly. I will mimic her every word verbatim and as closely as I can her movements and behavior. I will give you an example. Imagine I'm coming over to your house later this evening. This is what will happen:

To start off with I will arrive at your house and refuse to get out of the car because I am unhappy with my outfit. After you come outside and cajole me into the house with promises of cats and dogs, I will reluctantly come in. Did I mention I will be wearing a large red Paula Abdul shirt and that's it? Well that is what I will be wearing. It won’t matter what I will be wearing though because I will remove every article of clothing I have on post haste as soon as I step through the front door. Then what will I do, you ask? I will scour your house until I find an African drum. Then I will drag it into the kitchen and bang on it while doing stretches on the floor.

Then it's time for dinner. It looks good. Did you spend half a day making it? It doesn’t matter. Because all I'm really going to eat is the ice cream that goes with the dessert. I will be polite and mention many times how much I like the ice cream.

Oh, it's time for me to go in your hot tub now. Never mind that you are still eating. You need to show me how to use it now. It will be nice and I will tell you that. I will also need some toys to play with. When you find me a rubber ducky I will be happy. Then I will pick it up in both hands and scream at it “ Enough lies!” and throw it against the wall. 

After I'm done I will want some more ice cream. Be prepared for that.

An artist

Yesterday I made a claim to my girlfriend that I had never been fired. I don't know what I was thinking to have said this. It got me thinking. What was the most ridiculous thing I ever did to get fired?

Well, this is what happened. When I was in high school my friend Jimmy and I worked as sandwich artists at a Subway. This place was worse than normal Subways. This one was in a gas station. The gas station, like so many, had a walk in freezer and cooler. People would stop, get gas and pick up a quart of milk. Of course I couldn't resist messing with these people, so my friend and I would remove all of the milk and I would crawl in and make crazy eyes until some lady would eventually scream. Sometimes we would speed that process up by reaching out at them or even in rare cases by chasing them. One day we were doing this and this cop named John came in. Well, for whatever reason John felt it necessary to tell our boss. The next day we were called back to his office and forced to listen to him preach about proper conduct or some such nonsense. He played us back video from the surveillance camera and, honestly, it was just awesome. It was really funny stuff! Of course Jimmy and I started to laugh, and of course we were fired. Whatever. Everyone loved it! I feel like the manager and maybe John the cop were the only people who didn't love it. There were even a few occasions when people would go out to the car to get their kids so we could prank them.

Gym and junk

So, I'm going to write about the gym. Let's start with the guy who doesn't even go to the gym to work out. He just goes to the gym to prance around naked near the sauna. And stare at his monstrous penis in the mirror. I see him at the gym nearly every day. He is in good shape. I don't know how--? Because I've never seen him go past the towel rack. I have never seen him even pick up a towel for that matter. I have seen him in the parking lot having some heated discussion on his phone in his perfect black BMW. I imagine he is lying to his wife or firing someone. I'll tell you one thing, if he says to anyone "I'm going to go workout,"  it's a lie. He is just going to the gym to peacock his penis around. It's like therapy for him, I think. Whenever he is around everyone wears towels. Then all the other guys, because they feel emasculated, go to the showers and try to give themselves subtle semi-erections in the hopes that their penises will look bigger. The problem is that some of these guys get carried away. And an appropriate amount of semi is very important. Sometimes when that guy is around all the others come back from the showers with red dicks and what could only be described as erections. Now, you might be thinking, "that is a super gay gym!" You might also be thinking, "something similar happens at my gym." Or you might think, "guys are so weird."

Another thing about the gym: why are there always guys talking? The other day. There were two old guys talking. One guy was like "time is money." The other guy parroted him in a call and response manner. "Time is money," said the lead, then the second guy would say, "Time is money." And they would repeat their idiotic mantra over and over again until the first guy broke the pattern by yelling, "I'm the Cookie Monster." And they both started laughing. Now either those guys were laughing about some inside joke they were both in on or they were both borderline retarded people and the first guy actually thought he was the Cookie Monster, which is just stupid, because the guy who was making those claims was bald and lumbering. The Cookie Monster has a clearly defined widow's peak and is a puppet.