Woody Woodpecker

The other day I awoke to the peaceful sound of a stupid woodpecker pecking some giant tree to death in my front yard. I think the woodpecker had just done a bunch of methamphetamine, or at least he'd had a bunch of Red Bull or something...

Anyway, as I listened to the majestic creature go about as woodpeckers do, I thought a curious thought.

I thought, how did I never notice that the name "woodpecker" is super funny and sexual? How could I have missed that? Was there something wrong with me? I couldn't believe I missed something so obvious.

Then, a few moments later, I heard the delicate chirps of a flock of tiny titmice in the bush outside my window. I felt vindicated, because I remembered making jokes about them in the past.

But still I was a little rattled by my observation. I was curious too. Luckily, I had an old edition of Audubon's Guide to North American Birds on my book shelf.

I decided to do a little sleuthing and see how many dirty bird names I could find. What I discovered shocked me! And I think it will shock you too. I discovered that nearly half of the birds in North America have perverted names. I can't so much as look up in the sky now without seeing a giant smutty parade of birds.

Here is a list of some birds with names worth mentioning. There were too many to list them all here. I think you will see my point.

Bird name list:

White-Throated Sparrow
Rose-Breasted Grosbeak
Tufted Titmouse
Cliff Swallow
Two Swallows
Barn Swallow
Tree Swallow
Red-Cockaded Woodpecker
Yellow-Bellied Sap Sucker
Red Headed Woodpecker
Yellow Shafted Flicker
Chimney Swift
Horned Owl
Puffin
Buff Breasted Sand Piper
Woodcock
Piping Plover
Oyster Catcher
Black Oyster Catcher
Clapper Rail
Limpkin
Wild Turkey Gobbler
Bob-White
Golden Eagle
Red Breasted Shelldrake
Dickcissel
Bald Eagle
Large Dick Swallow

I made that last name up. --You see my point though.

The list goes on...

I could have handled that better...

So last night I went to dinner with my best friend Adrian. We went to a fish restaurant and ordered some oysters, had a few beers, and laughed about stuff. This restaurant, like so many, has a huge tropical fish tank that comprises most of one of the walls. After we had consumed about two beers, I noticed that one of the large beautiful blue and yellow fish in the tank was dead. It looked like the fish that was portrayed by Ellen DeGeneres in Finding Nemo--that really capped it for me.

I tried to listen to what my friend was saying, but I was too saddened and fixated on the beautiful dead fish draped over some orange coral. I couldn't believe that everyone in the restaurant didn't notice. I have some eye issues and it was a strain for me to see the fish, but I could not stop staring. In order for me to see things easily, sometimes I need to close one eye and really concentrate. So while my friend was talking about stuff, I was just staring at this dead fish, squinting and blinking and shutting one eye. Eventually my friend noticed. He was perplexed, and asked me what I was doing with all the facial contortions. I told him. Then we both started to stare at the fish, grimacing and laughing in a sad and uncomfortable way for quite a while. Suddenly I noticed that the dead fish was right behind what looked like two drunk college girls who weren't aware of the fish corpse behind them. They were aware of me laughing and making weird faces at them, however. I tried to explain to them from across a crowded noisy room what I was looking at. I pointed at them and yelled: "Dead fish."

Sadly they didn't understand, and my explanation only seemed to make matters worse. It got a little embarrassing.

Other than that, it was a great night out with my best friend.