A long, long time ago, in a place far, far away...

Years ago I chased a girl.

For this story, I will call her Ambrosia Hemmingway Cornish-Harpsworth Johnson. Maybe I will abbreviate it to AHCHJ to make this story simple...

Anyway, I was always making Ambrosia (AHCHJ) chocolate cakes or lamb, or something awesome and ridiculous. We would garden together sometimes and I would read her journals when she wasn't looking and lie about it.

One time we did ecstasy at our friend's house and I tripped out on pinecones. My friends Holly and Brandy gave me a head massage on the lawn that was just amazing.

Anyway, we all swam in a black-bottomed pool. When it was nearly dawn, me and Ambrosia (AHCHJ) found an empty room with a child's bed that was too small. We held hands and fell asleep.

One time Ambrosia (AHCHJ) came over and we went and got sushi. We drank sake. Then we went and got cocktails at a bar with red leather booths. Around 2:00 a.m. we got back to my place.

We fell on the bed. We smoked a joint. I turned the lights off, got back in the bed, and kissed Ambrosia (AHCHJ). She said, "You finely did it."

Then she vomited all over me!

I went and got towels and a large pot from the kitchen. I held her hair back and washed her face with warm water. I held the pot in my lap as she puked in it. It was a weird night...and that was that.

Nothing ever happened.
I just got puked on.
Oddly, it's a fond memory.

A Thin Blue Line A Thin Blue Chip

Once years ago I was driving along a hilly street. As I drove along, I listened to the Al Franken Show on the radio.

It was one of my favorite programs...and the episode I was listening to was the very last broadcast.

All of the regular guests came on to talk to Al and the whole thing got super-emotional. I started to get emotional too and before I knew it...I was driving along crying.

All of the sudden I see red lights in my rear-view mirror and hear the whoop whoop sound of a siren. I was being pulled over.

I quickly tried to regain my composure. I wiped the tears from my cheeks and cleared my throat. Slowly, as the policeman approached, I rolled down my window.

He looked at me for a moment and asked me if I was crying.

I said I was just listening to the radio and that I wasn't really crying...but moved by a program.

He looked at me, puzzled, and said, "I can't let you drive in this state, sir." He pointed to an empty parking lot up the road and asked me to pull in there and wait 15 minutes.

I drove to the parking lot and he followed in his squad car. We parked. He sat about 20 feet away in his car watching me. It was a little embarrassing...but it was about to get worse.

I guess there wasn't a lot going on in town that day. So some of the extra patrol cars decided to swing by and hang out too. Everyone was just hanging around waiting for me to stop crying. Before long there were at least six cops there, leaning on their vehicles, talking about who knows what. Every once in awhile one of them would walk up to my window to see how I was doing.

Eventually one offered me some Sun Chips. I declined, but then I changed my mind. After I started eating the chips everything got better. Before I knew it we were all hanging out eating Sun Chips and drinking Dr Pepper. They had some pretty funny stories! I forgot all about my embarrassment.