Cookies make everything okay

I really want to write about soups because I have been painting them in an unconventional way lately. But that post wouldn't be funny enough, so I will tell you about the time I got pee on a fat stranger. And I will illustrate this post with some of the paintings of soups that I have been working on, even though they have no pertinence to the tale.

Years ago I suffered from a nasal infection and my doctors had me give blood and urine samples to be analyzed for a diagnosis.

I showed up at the lab early in the morning. I hadn't eaten, as requested. A large, alarmingly unkempt phlebotomist called me into a little room and handed me a plastic jar to pee in. I went to the bathroom, peed and returned to the small room to have my blood drawn. I guess I didn't screw the top of the pee jar on sufficiently, but I didn't know that yet.

I sat in one of those special chairs with the arm rest that protrudes from a very clinical type of seat that is used specifically by labs to draw blood. My sample of pee sat safely on a counter next to me. The phlebotomist asked if I was afraid of needles? I said no. This was a lie. I also failed to tell him that the sight of blood made me light-headed. All of this would become clear to him in about 4 seconds, when he thrust a jagged telephone pole of a needle into my vein with what I recall as vigorous enthusiasm. Just as I felt as if I were powering through the pain, I peeped a look and to my horror I saw what appeared to be a geyser of blood spouting from my arm like a breaching whale. I instantly felt faint. My ears rang and I felt my body falling fast towards the floor. I instinctively reached for any support from my surroundings. In the midst of all of the chaos I managed to grab the jar of urine that sat next to me on the counter. For some reason I tossed the jar to the phlebotomist. It was then that we both realized that I had not in fact fastened the lid to the jar of pee properly.

For a moment, I passed out. As I regained consciousness, I saw an empty jar lying on the floor and the poor man who had been drawing my blood covered in my pee. Two nurses quickly came into the room and helped me stagger to a recovery room which was unfortunately located on the other side of the waiting room.

So a room full of people, who were were already anxious about having their blood drawn, watched in horror as two nurses conveyed me through the waiting area, visibly drenched in urine and covered in enough blood to to be alarming, like some officer wounded in battle.

The nurses sat me in a chair. Handed me orange juice and a chocolate chip cookie. I was fine. Just a little embarrassed.

A delicate French onion soup in a thermos

A spicy tomato soup, carrot ginger soup & tequila in thermoses

Cream of asparagus saffron in small thermos

Clam chowder and vichyssoise, obviously 

Woody Woodpecker

The other day I awoke to the peaceful sound of a stupid woodpecker pecking some giant tree to death in my front yard. I think the woodpecker had just done a bunch of methamphetamine, or at least he'd had a bunch of Red Bull or something...

Anyway, as I listened to the majestic creature go about as woodpeckers do, I thought a curious thought.

I thought, how did I never notice that the name "woodpecker" is super funny and sexual? How could I have missed that? Was there something wrong with me? I couldn't believe I missed something so obvious.

Then, a few moments later, I heard the delicate chirps of a flock of tiny titmice in the bush outside my window. I felt vindicated, because I remembered making jokes about them in the past.

But still I was a little rattled by my observation. I was curious too. Luckily, I had an old edition of Audubon's Guide to North American Birds on my book shelf.

I decided to do a little sleuthing and see how many dirty bird names I could find. What I discovered shocked me! And I think it will shock you too. I discovered that nearly half of the birds in North America have perverted names. I can't so much as look up in the sky now without seeing a giant smutty parade of birds.

Here is a list of some birds with names worth mentioning. There were too many to list them all here. I think you will see my point.

Bird name list:

White-Throated Sparrow
Rose-Breasted Grosbeak
Tufted Titmouse
Cliff Swallow
Two Swallows
Barn Swallow
Tree Swallow
Red-Cockaded Woodpecker
Yellow-Bellied Sap Sucker
Red Headed Woodpecker
Yellow Shafted Flicker
Chimney Swift
Horned Owl
Puffin
Buff Breasted Sand Piper
Woodcock
Piping Plover
Oyster Catcher
Black Oyster Catcher
Clapper Rail
Limpkin
Wild Turkey Gobbler
Bob-White
Golden Eagle
Red Breasted Shelldrake
Dickcissel
Bald Eagle
Large Dick Swallow

I made that last name up. --You see my point though.

The list goes on...

I could have handled that better...

So last night I went to dinner with my best friend Adrian. We went to a fish restaurant and ordered some oysters, had a few beers, and laughed about stuff. This restaurant, like so many, has a huge tropical fish tank that comprises most of one of the walls. After we had consumed about two beers, I noticed that one of the large beautiful blue and yellow fish in the tank was dead. It looked like the fish that was portrayed by Ellen DeGeneres in Finding Nemo--that really capped it for me.

I tried to listen to what my friend was saying, but I was too saddened and fixated on the beautiful dead fish draped over some orange coral. I couldn't believe that everyone in the restaurant didn't notice. I have some eye issues and it was a strain for me to see the fish, but I could not stop staring. In order for me to see things easily, sometimes I need to close one eye and really concentrate. So while my friend was talking about stuff, I was just staring at this dead fish, squinting and blinking and shutting one eye. Eventually my friend noticed. He was perplexed, and asked me what I was doing with all the facial contortions. I told him. Then we both started to stare at the fish, grimacing and laughing in a sad and uncomfortable way for quite a while. Suddenly I noticed that the dead fish was right behind what looked like two drunk college girls who weren't aware of the fish corpse behind them. They were aware of me laughing and making weird faces at them, however. I tried to explain to them from across a crowded noisy room what I was looking at. I pointed at them and yelled: "Dead fish."

Sadly they didn't understand, and my explanation only seemed to make matters worse. It got a little embarrassing.

Other than that, it was a great night out with my best friend.