Hivey Keitel R.I.P.

Okay, so I would normally never do two posts in a row that were related, but I think it is warranted in this case. Last week I shared my new beehive with you. And how it is important to not pretend you are a bear when you are handling bees. There was also some sexually oriented stuff too. Whatever the reason--whether you delight in the thought of me being attacked by a mad swarm of ravenous bees or you were trolling the net for porn, typed in bubees, and found me and my hive instead of boobies because you can't spell--you spent some time reading my post according to Google analytics. I feel like I should answer some of the questions I received. I got nearly a thousand hits on that post. That is a record for me. Thank you for googling bears, boobies, bees, or whatever it was you did. Maybe you just followed a Facebook link. Whatever. That's still cool. Regardless I got a lot of questions. From strangers and from friends. I feel like I should answer them. So I will.

"You are retarded."
Well, that's not really a question. But I feel like I should address it. It's an understandable assertion. I admit that. In my defense, handling bees looked easy on YouTube.

"Where did you get stung?"
My hands, neck and nipple.

"I want honey!"
Again, not really a question. But I get the point. Yeah, you can have some honey when it's ready.

"Can I come over and borrow one of your surfboards? Funny post by the way."
This is a question. Not about bees. But the post was mentioned, so I'll address it. Yes, he came and borrowed a surfboard and yes, I know the post was funny.

There was some curiosity about how the hive is doing, and sadly I have to say that they fled for their tiny little lives. I did trap them in an electrical box, move that box and then wrap the box in plastic, potentially suffocating them. I then positioned a PVC pipe connecting the bees in their trapped electrical box to their new home. I tried to cajol the bees through the tube to their new home by yelling at them and hitting the box with a stick. I essentially tortured those poor bees. In the end, I had a professional beekeeper come to my aid, Todd, a very knowledgeable and patient fellow who started the Santa Barbara Beekeepers Association. Even with all his experience, knowledge, and bee suit those bees just wanted to get away--from me, I think. It's too bad. I miss those little guys, even though they stung my nipple and stuff. Those bees got me thinking about bees. My backyard seems lonely and quiet without their incessant buzz. If you know where a beehive is, in your backyard or attic or something, let me know. I'll come over with my hat that I stapled cheese cloth to and get them. I have an empty hive. I've been watching more YouTube videos, so don't worry, I know what I'm doing now. I really need a hive for my lonely garden.

Boobies

This is my new bee hive. I know you might be thinking. . .that's not very funny. But in actuality there are two things that are kind of funny about it. I'll get into it now. This is an ancient method of keeping bees, called top bar bee keeping. The Greeks used it. I love the ancient Greeks, so I thought, hey this is for me. It also helped that the hive is beautiful! It is made of reclaimed lumber by this guy in Malibu who makes these hives to order. I think they are great. I also think the name of his business is great! I think it is super funny. He makes these bee boxes in Malibu. So the name of his business is. . .BuBees. If you want one of these hives, and you should, contact him at www.bubees.com. 

I think a funny thing to do would be to email him late at night to place an order. And hopefully--if you are lucky--your girlfriend, wife, husband, boyfriend or whatever will wake up and see you are on the computer. Hopefully they will say, what are you doing? That will be your cue to get all fidgety and defensive. Be antagonistic. If you play your cards right here, you can get in a fight. Say: "It's none of your business!" That will really spark their curiosity. And if you are really lucky, they will start yelling. Then you say: "I'm on bubees.com, okay?" And they will be like, what! And explain to them it is Malibu Bees.com. They will be like, what the fuck are you talking about? And then just explain you are looking at bee hives. But here's the twist! And this only goes for the guys out there. If you want to make this really funny, try to get an erection while you are on bubees.com. Your girlfriend or wife WILL think you are definitely lying about the bee hive thing! The erection will really make you look guilty! It will be great, I promise! Explain that it was all an elaborate joke, and you wanted to trick them. They will say, "That's not funny" and "You're insane." But deep down it will be the funniest thing ever and it will become their favorite story to tell to their girlfriends. I should say, in order for this to work, it is important to go to bubees.com and not boobies.com--you're really missing the point of the joke if you do that.

The other funny thing about me having this hive is my enthusiasm to handle the bees without taking adequate safety precautions or knowing anything about bees at all. I really don't need to write a lot about how this is funny. Just use your imagination. I'm working with bees and I know nothing about them! Well, I do know one thing: DO NOT PRETEND YOU ARE A BEAR. Seems obvious in retrospect. But in reality, when you are faced with bees in real life, you do want to pretend you are Winnie the Pooh. It was a strong urge in me. I couldn't fight it. Learn from my mistakes. If you do buy a BuBees box--bees really do hate bears, even cool ones like Winnie the Pooh! Who knew! http://bubees.com/bubees/Home.html

Hungry Hungry

Today I thought I'd do a little review for you. It's something new, and I thought you all might find it informative.

I will be reviewing the Very Hungry Caterpillar 4-in-one wooden jigsaw puzzle set. I bought this game for my two-year-old niece. As you can see in the pictures I did write her a little note that says:

To Dylan,

Have fun.

Love,

Elmo, The Easter Bunny, and God

I should say now that this is a forgery, perpetrated by myself. In fact Elmo, the Easter Bunny and God had nothing to do with this gift. It is all a lie. Dylan is so gullible it's crazy! I just couldn't help myself. While we are on the subject though...I want to say that I do indeed have a chocolate egg that I myself found two years ago at an Easter party that DID come from the Easter Bunny himself. He didn't write his name on it or anything...but come on! Who else would have been trudging around in the bushes Easter morning except the Easter Bunny? Ask yourself that! Unfortunately I still do need to get it authenticated if I ever want to sell it. I have left voice messages with appraisers at Sotheby's and Christie's and am eagerly awaiting a call back--but enough about that. Let's get back to this review. I will do all four puzzles and critique each one individually, and then the collection as a whole.

Puzzle one: 

 

I found this puzzle intriguing to say the least. It was quite challenging to begin with and I was excited to see that the hungry caterpillar really seemed to enjoy eating all that fruit! Surprised is not even the right word to describe my thrill in finding that he not only ate the apple but the plum too! I think the word is elated! That was really a twist that I did NOT see coming. My only complaint about this first puzzle is that the caterpillar didn't seem that fat after eating all that fruit? I mean, come on. I get that he's hungry. And I know that he ate an apple, a pear, a plum, a strawberry and an orange. I feel like he should have been fatter. It just wasn't believable. That is my only criticism of this first puzzle really.

Puzzle two:

I LOVE this puzzle! To begin with the caterpillar is fat which is all I wanted in the first puzzle. This second puzzle delivered big time! I was not disappointed at all with this puzzle. Well maybe a little. I do wish that the caterpillar would have been wearing shoes. Just some casual loafers or something. I think a Lakers hat would have been a good touch too. I think my generation has secretly always wanted to see a fat caterpillar at a Lakers game. I know that is obvious. Maybe my criticism is more about our society and less about this puzzle. Still, that being said...I do want to see a fat caterpillar wearing loafers at a Lakers game. That is just my burden to bear, I guess.

Puzzle three:

This puzzle is a mind bender! There were so many surprises. I thought I was going to pass out! First off I love the butterfly! Totally believable. And the grass in the foreground was a really nice touch. I really felt like I was there. I was even a little afraid that the gluttonous butterfly might try to eat me. I kept on having to remind myself that it wasn't real. That it was only a jigsaw puzzle. I was having so much fun by the end of this game, I almost started to cry with excitement. Five stars!

Puzzle four:

I loved the subject matter of this puzzle. I found myself particularly drawn to the pie and the watermelon slice in this puzzle. I do have to say--I wish there was some corn on the cob included. I would love that if I were a caterpillar. My only complaints about this puzzle are that it made me super hungry, and it was too difficult. I worked on it for a good four hours. And to be honest: I never finished it. It was a little too cerebral. I still enjoyed it however.

All in all I think this is a fine puzzle set. Especially if you collect caterpillar puzzles. It would be great on a long flight, or if you are ever snowed in somewhere and you have plenty of time. I recommend this puzzle set highly. I give it five stars.

Point Awesome

So the other day I went to a polo match. As I was watching all the pretty ponies chukkering and junk, I noticed that the two men in front of me were none other than Tim Burton and Johnny Depp! Yes. And did I eavesdrop? Yes. And am I going to share some of the amazing things I learned? Yes. Well, first off, it will please you to know that those two amazing talents WILL be working on a project together in the near future! Can you imagine what kind of magic that will be! Talk about a dream team of pure entertainment! I am quivering with anticipation! I feel like they are really going to stumble onto a magic recipe for cinematic success with this pairing. Hopefully they will do many many many more in the future. Anyway I was extremely excited to learn about this upcoming collaboration. If you are like me, then of course you are thinking, please please please in this role let Johnny Depp have long hair! When was the last time you saw that, right? Good news. I overheard them talking about their upcoming project and I know what it is. Are you ready for this? It is a remake of--Point Break! And yes, Johnny Depp will be playing Patrick Swayze's character, who--if you remember--had long hair! Who else is in this movie, you are wondering? Well, I heard a few names dropped. Who will play Keanu Reeve's character?--I'm sure you are asking.  Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Who else is in this film? Well. I heard a few other names dropped as well--Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, for one! As well as Brian Austin Green, John Lithgow, and Don Cheadle playing the parts of the hot shot fighter pilot squad! But wait--there was no hot shot fighter pilot squad in Point Break, you are thinking. I guess there is now! Anyway, that's what I overheard. Oh, and the film will have a few other names worth mentioning in it: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Shelley Duvall, and Sir Anthony Hopkins, to name a few. Spread the news! Oh, my god, I'm so excited! I guess they start filming soon. I can't wait another day for this piece of heaven to come out!

My ass and Edward James Olmos are funny in the morning

This morning I woke up and started writing down a few ideas. I was laying on my stomach writing, when I heard my girlfriend's voice. She was in bed next to me talking to me about something. I just zoned her out as per ush. But before I did that, I heard her say she had two nightmares. One, that she was an old French man that was forced to time travel a bunch of times. In the other dream she said she was Edward James Olmos with a buzz cut. That got me thinking? In what movie or TV series did Edward James Olmos have a buzz cut anyway? Maybe Battle Star Galactica at some point. Maybe. Anyway, I was writing and she was talking about stuff, who knows what? While she was talking, and scurrying over me like some sort of spider monkey, I noticed that she stopped to take some pictures of my butt with her phone. I thought nothing of it at the time, because people are always taking pictures of my butt. It is an everyday experience for me. People marvel at beauty. Who am I to stop them? So, I went on writing. A few moments later I heard Rosie (my girlfriend) start to gasp for air. She was convulsing. I was worried. It turned out that she was laughing so hard that she lost all ability to control her body. She was just a squirming giggle pile, convulsing with laughter. About 45 minutes later she came to--maybe more like a minute. Whatever. She became responsive and showed me what she had made and why she was laughing so hard. I thought it was kind of funny. Funny enough for me to post to my blog at least. Not grand mal seizure funny like she thought it was. I do think it makes my butt look sophisticated. It's a look I might try to pursue in the future.

Correction: Rosie did NOT dream she was Edward James Olmos with a buzz cut. Apparently she dreamed she was Edward James Olmos with more of a "New Jack City" kind of haircut. I guess it was some sort of Kid 'n Play kind of haircut (not as big). She wanted me to correct this post. You know, just to be clear. I guess it's important to get these details right. So yeah.

Correction to correction:

Rosie did NOT dream she was Edward James Olmos at all. I guess she dreamed that SHE just had a haircut like Edward James Olmos's character in some famous prison movie. The haircut was more like a "New Jack City" kind of a haircut, but she was still herself. NOT Edward James Olmos. Just so we are clear. Got it?

Boys in cars

I painted this VW Rabbit for some friends of mine. When I was painting it I realized it reminded me of a little orange Suburu my best friend Adrian bought when we were about sixteen. Aside from some generic nostalgic memories it brought back, like driving to LA to see various bands play, I also remembered a few really funny stories that involved that special car. I will share two of them now: 

Story one: 

My friend Adrian was very excited about getting this car. His dad had given him a few thousand dollars in cash to get it. Adrian was supposed to meet the owner and pick up the car later on in the day. He was so excited that he would nervously count and re-count the money that he was keeping in an envelope. One small bill at a time. Now, I don't know why all the bills were like twenties or something--but they were. Maybe his dad was a stripper or something like that back then. I just don't know. . .yes, I do know. There is NO way Adrian's dad was a stripper. But whatever. Getting off track. We drank tea and waited to meet this guy. Whenever Adrian left the room, I would take the money out of the envelope, throw it on the floor, take my shirt off, and roll in the money. Adrian would come back in the room, get all upset, and re-count the money and put it back in the envelope. Every time, he thought the joke was done. But every time he left the room I did it again. It was so funny because it just never got old for me. That is what made it so absurdly funny to me. If he still had that money, or any money in an envelope, I would still be doing that sixteen years later. That is how funny it was to me. I don't think Adrian was too amused.

Story two:

Adrian had a music teacher. I don't remember her name. I do, however, remember her cat's name. Ducky. I remember Ducky because Ducky was called Ducky because Ducky was too fat to meow. Ducky would try to meow but all that came out was a strained, low-pitched quack. So imagine a cat that was pretty much the size of a golden retriever and very much looked like a golden retriever--an over-weight golden retriever at that. Truly a huge cat. Just huge. So anyway, we were over at the music teacher's house. I was sitting on the couch and Adrian said he had forgotten something for his music teacher, so he went to get it from the car. A few seconds later the music teacher and I looked at each other curiously. We had heard Adrian scream. A second later Adrian comes back, looking as white as a piece of paper. We asked him if he was okay and he said, "yeah." He explained that he had just slammed his finger in the car door. I stood up and made Adrian sit next to Ducky. The music teacher went to the kitchen and got Adrian a glass of water. He was still very pale. He didn't want to admit to me and his teacher how much pain he was in. I think he thought, come on, it's nothing. I just smashed my finger in the door, it's nothing. I was worried because he kept getting whiter and he started mumbling. All of the sudden he passed out right onto Ducky. I think it was the fastest that cat had ever moved in his life trying to get away. I just remember it all in slow motion. Adrian falling onto that big fluffy orange belly and a shocked very loud "quaaaack" coming from Ducky. It wasn't funny when it happened. But as soon as it was clear that Adrian was fine, it was pretty funny alright. Ducky was the most shook up. Be careful acting stoic. Because, who knows? You could pass out on an obese cat if you're not careful. We drove to the beach after that in Adrian's Suburu.

The unknown Frank Gehry building

The design of this magnificent building is clearly striking, albeit understated. The story goes that sometime after the completion of the Walt Disney Concert Hall in 2003, Gehry was approached by Century 21 to build them an office in Rancho Cucamonga. Many critics thought that after the Concert Hall's completion Gehry had reached the pinnacle of his creativity. But Gehry just became more creative. And more passionate about driving architectural design in directions that only a genius of his magnitude could envision. What came next could only be described as the pinnacle of all human creation and the crowning achievement of Gehry's career.

Water created the Grand Canyon, a marvel of wild and unbridled beauty, a spectacle of breathtaking proportions. Light has the aurora borealis, a magical and ethereal recital of dancing light in the northern skies, to boast of as its own. And man, what can man hold high? And proudly declare, "This...this is mine."? What has man created that will stand shoulder to shoulder with these glorious expressions of nature? What can we proudly display for the universe to rejoice in? I think we have that answer now.

Alien stuff

Here are some more drawings I found from my childhood. One depicts an alien fighting with some bro about his keys. The guy is clearly intoxicated and the alien is trying to be the DD...that's what I'm thinking. The other two drawings are of trees from the aliens' planet. I think they are nice. One of the ideas was that the roots of these trees could act as a bridge over a canyon or something. That would be sweet if trees did that on our planet. But the trees on our planet are pretty lazy. No secret about that. Stupid tree bums.