True Grit

Some interesting things have been happening to me lately in the realm of fashion.

Yesterday after months of perusing thrift shops and yard sales I found the pair of woven leather loafers I have been trying to find for months--at a rummage sale to support a local girl's roller derby team. I found these loafers just as the weather is starting to get cold! I can't wear them with socks! That looks stupid. Now I have to wait til spring to wear them. It just feels like there is a greater power conspiring against me fashion-wise these days...I will explain further.

You see, the girls weren't dyke-y, but the roller derby motif did remind me of my awesome leather motorcycle jacket. So of course as soon as I got home I tore my closet apart and found it. It fit great and looked better than ever! But there was a problem. You see, I wear an eye patch these days. After looking in the mirror, I realized that you really need to pick one or the other. Eye patch or awesome leather jacket. The combination made me feel like I was an extra in a Mad Max film or something.

To make matters worse I've been thinking about going wild boar hunting because I've been watching all these new TV shows on the Discovery Channel about homesteading in Alaska. They are always shooting bears and living off the land. These shows inspired me to live off the grist of the land myself! So a couple days ago I dug out my old rifle and cleaned it up in preparation for the hunt.

Yesterday, when I got back from the roller derby girl rummage sale with my awesome woven leather loafers and put on my leather jacket, I could see out of the corner of my eye, my rifle. It whispered to me...it said, "Hey, you are already wearing an awesome leather jacket and checking yourself out in the bathroom mirror--why don't you come over here and pick me up and complete the ensemble?"

So I did. Me with my patch, jacket, and a gun. I didn't plan to stare at myself for an hour in the mirror...but that is what happened. I think if I do go hunt a boar now, like a homesteader, I am going to need to wear the jacket. I feel like I can't wear the patch/leather jacket combo in public...but there is nothing, nothing! preventing me from wearing the outfit in the wilderness while I'm hunting! And, I'm going to wear the loafers too. Just because.

Like cocaine...but better?

Why have I never seen a scene in a movie like this?

A group of unsavory characters would be hanging out in a warehouse. One of the guys looks really jittery and paranoid. His eyes dart around. Slowly he opens a briefcase and reveals a concealed key-lime pie. Then one of the other guys, who would be wearing kind of a crappy suit, dips his finger into the pie and raises his finger ever so slowly to his mouth in silence. The tension at this point would be palpable....just really, really uncomfortable. The silence would draw out. Then the guy who just tasted the pie would say, "That's some good fucking stuff." And everyone would relax and have some pie!

I don't think I'm being unreasonable wanting this. I watch stupid movies all the time, and honestly I cannot recall one scene that centered on a key-lime pie! Let alone a film where the protagonist is a key lime pie. We have come along way as a country, but there is still a dark side to us. It's no wonder--half the country would vote for Mitt Romney if the election were held today. I have brain cancer, and that seems great compared to the idea of that troglodyte being president. Plankton has more charm and intelligence than that cat turd factory!

I'm getting side-tracked. I guess there is one movie that has a big pie scene! American Pie! But I don't want to talk about a dick ruining a pie for everyone else. It's such a greedy thing to do...and I already talked about Mitt Romney.

I swear, if I have to write a screenplay myself that stars a key lime pie, I will do it. What kind of society do we want to have? Where are our priorities! A society where Mitt Romney is president and nobody gets any pie? Or, a society where films are made that use pies in place of cocaine because it would be kind of funny and delicious!