Much ado about something

I will now tell you two stories that involve guys being embarrassed.

I will start with something that happened to my friend Josh once in Beijing. To protect the identities involved I will refer to Josh as Chambliss Masterson as I recount the events that transpired on that cold and dark night so many years ago. Myself and my friend Chambliss Masterson (Josh) were at some charming little German restaurant on the outskirts of town eating spaetzle and drinking beer. Chambliss was in kind of a somber mood because he was having some relationship woes with his girlfriend in the United States, Kaitlin. To protect Kaitlin's identity I will refer to her as Ambrosia in this story. Anyway, Chambliss Masterson was bummed out because it looked as if there was trouble brewing on the horizon in terms of their relationship. Around our third or fourth round of delicious dark stouts, a young Chinese man approached our table peddling his wares. In this particular case what the young man was pushing was pirated DVD's. This was very common, so we both started to leaf through his merchandise which he kept in a cardboard box. Immediately Chambliss came across a Sex and the City box set which he knew Ambrosia would love...so he got the whole glittery pink thing. Instantly he seemed very interested to know if I was going to get anything. There was lots of good stuff in there, BBC documentaries, Kon-Tiki, I even remember seeing Deliverance. That is worth owning! But suddenly I understood that Chambliss just wanted to sandwich his Sex and the City DVD's between legit titles. He would say, "Let me carry those for you." A seemingly friendly gesture, with a slightly less than honest motivation. If Chambliss was going to buy a big pink Sex and the City box set, I was determined to make sure he carried that big sparkly wedding cake of a DVD collection all the way home under his arm for the world to see. I wasn't going to let him sandwich that big pink glitter jewel between a directors cut of Apocalypse Now and Alien. No way! So, like a man, I didn't buy a single DVD that night! and yes, Chambliss carried that girly sparkle package all the way home. He took responsibility for himself that night. Like a soldier with a noble purpose he marched off into that night with his head held high, even though he totally had to drag that thing across town for everyone to see! It's not like there aren't a billion people in China either! I'm pretty sure a billion people saw him carrying that dainty laced-up box home that night! I'm just glad I was one of those lucky billion.

When I was about seventeen I really wanted that song "Nothing Compares to You" by Sinead O'Connor. Unfortunately, then, the iTunes store did not exist. If I wanted that song I would need to buy the whole album. So I drove down to Borders only to find that I couldn't go through with it. I made a couple dry runs, but opted to ask my sister if she would buy it for me. The next day we both went down to Borders and got the album. I even pretended to mock my sister's musical tastes in line, so the other patrons and the check-out lady would believe I thought Sinead O'Connor was stupid. I know, it was clever and my sister got a kick out of it too, I think. It was funny to pretend I was an asshole in public, when in secret I couldn't wait to sing along to "Nothing Compares to You." And I did. As soon as I was alone. Unfortunately the next day I was in my car singing the high part in my best falsetto voice at a stop light thinking the windows were up--but they weren't. To my horror, I looked to my right and saw a jeep full of my water polo friends staring at me. They were so shocked they hadn't even started to laugh. They got over their shock eventually, and they did laugh about it. It was embarrassing. I blame my sister for the whole thing. She can be so inconsiderate! It's like she planned it or something. She's so messed up like that! Jeez.