Devil may care

I saw the Devil today! He did not appear to me as some sinister specter or some Pan-like demon with hoofs and horns. No, he was much more subtle than that. As soon as I saw him I realized that his dark presence is around us all the time. I realized at once I had seen his evil before in the same form. His form of choice. An incarnation so cruel and contemptible that it is nearly unfathomable to conceive of by any sound-minded person. I saw the Devil today dressed in his most despicable disguise. I'm sure it will come as no surprise to many of you: the Devil's darkest, cruelest visage is that of an untoasted bagel. I know, I know. But, just think about it. How many times have you wanted to kill yourself when you go somewhere and you see free bagels, but then you realize that they ARE NOT TOASTED! Ten? Twenty? A hundred times? What mortal thinks that untoasted bagels are even remotely acceptable? Who does that? The Devil, that's who! The Devil wants you to commit suicide when you realize that the only bagels that are available to you are untoasted. There should at least be a toaster on hand--but there isn't! That, my friends, is the Devil at work!


Don't worry, I know how we can defeat him. We must be vigilant and carry toasters with us everywhere we go, the bank, continental breakfast spreads at every shitty motel across this great country of ours. And, of course, to any school event or office party ever. Be strong. Have faith. Not all people will understand. When someone asks why you are carrying a toaster around, just be honest. Tell them that bagels are the Devil and that by toasting the bagels, you destroy his evil power. I think people will understand, because deep down they know it's true. Make sure you send your kids to school with toasters too. I remember a lot of untoasted bagels at school when I was a kid. I would definitely bring this up at the next parent teacher meeting too. Keeping kids safe should be our main priority. Everyone will be grateful. Together we can defeat the Devil with toasters!

Update: many people have been asking how my bees are doing?
They are loving their home and are busy busy busy!

I got a second hive now--it's just too fun having them around. I call this hive Hivey Milk. Hivey Milk needs bees still. But I love his style.

If you have any bees you want to get rid of or if there is a swarm in your backyard let me know, I'll take them--if they are near Santa Barbara, California.