Bummed out...

Lately I have been having a little problem. You see my dogs are way too cute and whenever I try to take them on a walk they and myself are bombarded by random strangers wanting to touch them and kiss them. Most of my time outside the house with them is spent fielding questions about them. Walking around the block with them is like walking around the block with the entire cast of the Twilight saga, for christ's sake. Every teenage girl within a mile senses their presence and starts to scream and run towards them, hands frantically waving in the air. This is scary to my poor sweet pugs and it is scary to me.

Well, the other day I had had it! I thought: what could stop this? What do people not want to touch and kiss? That is when I had a million dollar idea, one that I knew was going to make me rich! Yesterday, like Steve Jobs before me, I set off to change the world! Yes, I started a corporation on Monday that exclusively manufactures bum wigs for dogs! Never again will strangers molest your cute dogs at the beach or the park while you stand by helpless! Not when people think your dogs are bums! That's right! Wigs that make your dogs look like Hesher burn-outs! I expect my company to go public in a year and to be among the top ten Fortune five hundred companies within two years!

Jealous? You should be! So far I have two prototypes. Model one (German backpacker hippie) and model two (bum who hates the government in a really crazy way and hangs out in the Trader Joe's parking lot and who you sometimes smoke out with because you are bored).

Now, I know these prototypes are crude. But next week I'm meeting with industrial designers to really hash out some ideas. You might be thinking those wigs look like pieces of stuffed animals you tore up. Well, maybe they are. Great ideas start small. Apple started in a garage. McDonalds started out in a shack in Mexico in the 1700's! United Airlines--well, they started out making burritos in Inglewood! But you know what each of those companies had? A great vision! A vision like mine, where every dog in America will be dressed up as a kind of pervy looking bum! That is the America I want to live in.

I will start taking orders tomorrow if you are interested. Only $49.99 per bum wig. Get 'em while they're hot!