Story of the real wooden pig

So about seven years ago I was in the Philippines with my sweet and wonderful girlfriend at the time, Rosie. We had flown to this sliver of an island with an opalescent coastline. The island, besides being beautiful, also had what was considered to be the best restaraunt in the Philippines. We had been there about two days when I said, "Tonight, I'm taking you to the nicest restaurant in the country. Wear your fanciest dress." Now in any other country in the world I would not have said that to Rosie, because she took her dressing up dead seriously. But I thought: we are here in the middle of nowhere, right next to Borneo, she doesn't have access to her wardrobe or her hair devices, she will dress down. Oops. Apparently she had packed a beautiful yellow gown in case they moved the Academy Awards to the Philippines that night and Rosie was asked to present. Her hair and make up were perfect. She was prepared. 

When it was time to go, we walked out our hotel doors and everyone was dumbstruck by her beauty. I tried getting a motorcycle taxi, but there were none. So we decided to walk...through a what I can only describe as a trash slum. I could feel Rosie wedging her body up next to mine as if she wanted to hide in me. The attention she garnered at first quickly turned into something scary. Little men with no teeth and no shirts started to jeer and holler at her. She started to cry on my neck. I never showed it, but I was afraid there too for a little while. We got to the restaurant on time and it really was amazing. After dinner we strolled outside. This time I was getting us a taxi. Next to the restaurant was a little shop that sold wood carvings. I bought her some little boats. She bought me a wooden pig.

Fat animals I painted

This is a fat pig I painted for this blog. His proportions are perfect for a pig. I meant to make him fatter. He is searching for summer truffles and he is into it. He doesn't even care that there are two German shepherds about 100 yards away from him acting all goofy and stuff. I don't even know where their owner is? Probably drunk. Italians...what can you do.

This is a pelican I know. I wanted to make him fatter as well, but he just looks normal no matter how fat you make him, until he doesn't resemble a bird at all. People have a name for this guy, but I don't remember it. He hangs out on the wharf and watches people eat clam chowder. He pretends he's not staring at you. Whenever you look at him he pretends he doesn't care but you can tell he does. What he is really into are the bread bowls the chowder comes in. I get the feeling he would kill me for my bread bowl when I eat in front of him. It's weird.

This is a fat rock. It's not a fat animal at all, but it is fat. Look at how small that bee is! It looks a little like sandstone, but it's more like a big gold chunk on a lawn. My thinking was...I want to find gold. A chunk that made a bee look that small would be just perfect. So I painted it in my front lawn.

This is not an animal or a rock. But I painted it and liked it, so here it is.

This is a fat snake. Really, the first fat animal I posted today. To be more specific: it is a sea snake that tried to kill me and my girlfriend near Borneo once. He looks unhappy because he has the soul of an assassin. He is driven by greed and revenge, like most sea snakes. He is so grumpy, right? Is that why he has no friends? Or is his lack of true friendship what makes him so grumpy? I don't know. But I do know you should not ask him that. He will try to kill you if you do. This snake is a dick. He even looks like one. Like some avatar alien dick. I guess I'd be grumpy too if I looked like an avatar dick. But I'd also be kind of happy too because I'd look kind of magical and I'd be huge. This doesn't even make sense anymore. It's a fat snake. That's all. Yeah, it looks a little like an avatar dick I guess, but whatever.