Much ado about something

I will now tell you two stories that involve guys being embarrassed.

I will start with something that happened to my friend Josh once in Beijing. To protect the identities involved I will refer to Josh as Chambliss Masterson as I recount the events that transpired on that cold and dark night so many years ago. Myself and my friend Chambliss Masterson (Josh) were at some charming little German restaurant on the outskirts of town eating spaetzle and drinking beer. Chambliss was in kind of a somber mood because he was having some relationship woes with his girlfriend in the United States, Kaitlin. To protect Kaitlin's identity I will refer to her as Ambrosia in this story. Anyway, Chambliss Masterson was bummed out because it looked as if there was trouble brewing on the horizon in terms of their relationship. Around our third or fourth round of delicious dark stouts, a young Chinese man approached our table peddling his wares. In this particular case what the young man was pushing was pirated DVD's. This was very common, so we both started to leaf through his merchandise which he kept in a cardboard box. Immediately Chambliss came across a Sex and the City box set which he knew Ambrosia would love...so he got the whole glittery pink thing. Instantly he seemed very interested to know if I was going to get anything. There was lots of good stuff in there, BBC documentaries, Kon-Tiki, I even remember seeing Deliverance. That is worth owning! But suddenly I understood that Chambliss just wanted to sandwich his Sex and the City DVD's between legit titles. He would say, "Let me carry those for you." A seemingly friendly gesture, with a slightly less than honest motivation. If Chambliss was going to buy a big pink Sex and the City box set, I was determined to make sure he carried that big sparkly wedding cake of a DVD collection all the way home under his arm for the world to see. I wasn't going to let him sandwich that big pink glitter jewel between a directors cut of Apocalypse Now and Alien. No way! So, like a man, I didn't buy a single DVD that night! and yes, Chambliss carried that girly sparkle package all the way home. He took responsibility for himself that night. Like a soldier with a noble purpose he marched off into that night with his head held high, even though he totally had to drag that thing across town for everyone to see! It's not like there aren't a billion people in China either! I'm pretty sure a billion people saw him carrying that dainty laced-up box home that night! I'm just glad I was one of those lucky billion.

When I was about seventeen I really wanted that song "Nothing Compares to You" by Sinead O'Connor. Unfortunately, then, the iTunes store did not exist. If I wanted that song I would need to buy the whole album. So I drove down to Borders only to find that I couldn't go through with it. I made a couple dry runs, but opted to ask my sister if she would buy it for me. The next day we both went down to Borders and got the album. I even pretended to mock my sister's musical tastes in line, so the other patrons and the check-out lady would believe I thought Sinead O'Connor was stupid. I know, it was clever and my sister got a kick out of it too, I think. It was funny to pretend I was an asshole in public, when in secret I couldn't wait to sing along to "Nothing Compares to You." And I did. As soon as I was alone. Unfortunately the next day I was in my car singing the high part in my best falsetto voice at a stop light thinking the windows were up--but they weren't. To my horror, I looked to my right and saw a jeep full of my water polo friends staring at me. They were so shocked they hadn't even started to laugh. They got over their shock eventually, and they did laugh about it. It was embarrassing. I blame my sister for the whole thing. She can be so inconsiderate! It's like she planned it or something. She's so messed up like that! Jeez.

No competition

I have been receiving a lot of emails asking me what I'm going to do. This is not a new problem at all. I have been dealing with this for years now. They just started a new campaign again, that's all. So people are aware of the problem again. I get emails all the time saying, "Sue him, do something. It's just not right." Well, folks, I can't sue him. He is just an actor. I would need to sue the company and get a cease and desist order. I could do that I guess. It would be an open and shut case for sure. 

But I think it is pretty clear he is not the most interesting man in the world anyway. The most interesting man in the world does not drink cheap Mexican beer. The most interesting man in the world accidentally drank a pitcher of mohito mix and rum without mixing it with carbonated water once, because nobody told him it hadn't been mixed yet. The most interesting man in the world fell asleep in a fireplace that night at his friend's birthday party.

Their version of the most interesting man in the world is a matador. Big deal. I got attacked by a monkey with an erection in the forest near Borneo once.  I didn't even have a red cape to incite that horny monkey like a matador would have. I improvised like a true man. And it was very interesting. I shrieked at that monkey, and hit him with my beloved sandwich that I had made that day to eat in the forest for a snack. Making sacrifices is what interesting men do. He's always fencing in those commercials. That is not interesting. That is boring. Why not just have the most interesting man in the world play backgammon if you really want to push the lame angle. You know what's interesting? Eating bad cuttle fish from a street vendor in China, feeling sick and running home only to lose control of your bowels in a crowded elevator with a bunch of gossipy old ladies. Those ladies never stopped talking about me and the time I crapped in an elevator with them. Why did they always talk about it? Because it was the most interesting thing in the world to them. That's why.  

Why does he always say, "Stay thirsty, my friends"? I don't tell my friends to "stay hungry" or to "stay sleepy." Instead, I say, "Hey, you look hungry. Do you want to go get some barbecue, buddy? I'm buying, pal." And if my friend looks thirsty I'd be like, "Hey, you okay? You want a Gatorade or something?" I'm compassionate like that, you see? That's how interesting men do it.