Story of the real wooden pig

So about seven years ago I was in the Philippines with my sweet and wonderful girlfriend at the time, Rosie. We had flown to this sliver of an island with an opalescent coastline. The island, besides being beautiful, also had what was considered to be the best restaraunt in the Philippines. We had been there about two days when I said, "Tonight, I'm taking you to the nicest restaurant in the country. Wear your fanciest dress." Now in any other country in the world I would not have said that to Rosie, because she took her dressing up dead seriously. But I thought: we are here in the middle of nowhere, right next to Borneo, she doesn't have access to her wardrobe or her hair devices, she will dress down. Oops. Apparently she had packed a beautiful yellow gown in case they moved the Academy Awards to the Philippines that night and Rosie was asked to present. Her hair and make up were perfect. She was prepared. 

When it was time to go, we walked out our hotel doors and everyone was dumbstruck by her beauty. I tried getting a motorcycle taxi, but there were none. So we decided to walk...through a what I can only describe as a trash slum. I could feel Rosie wedging her body up next to mine as if she wanted to hide in me. The attention she garnered at first quickly turned into something scary. Little men with no teeth and no shirts started to jeer and holler at her. She started to cry on my neck. I never showed it, but I was afraid there too for a little while. We got to the restaurant on time and it really was amazing. After dinner we strolled outside. This time I was getting us a taxi. Next to the restaurant was a little shop that sold wood carvings. I bought her some little boats. She bought me a wooden pig.

No competition

I have been receiving a lot of emails asking me what I'm going to do. This is not a new problem at all. I have been dealing with this for years now. They just started a new campaign again, that's all. So people are aware of the problem again. I get emails all the time saying, "Sue him, do something. It's just not right." Well, folks, I can't sue him. He is just an actor. I would need to sue the company and get a cease and desist order. I could do that I guess. It would be an open and shut case for sure. 

But I think it is pretty clear he is not the most interesting man in the world anyway. The most interesting man in the world does not drink cheap Mexican beer. The most interesting man in the world accidentally drank a pitcher of mohito mix and rum without mixing it with carbonated water once, because nobody told him it hadn't been mixed yet. The most interesting man in the world fell asleep in a fireplace that night at his friend's birthday party.

Their version of the most interesting man in the world is a matador. Big deal. I got attacked by a monkey with an erection in the forest near Borneo once.  I didn't even have a red cape to incite that horny monkey like a matador would have. I improvised like a true man. And it was very interesting. I shrieked at that monkey, and hit him with my beloved sandwich that I had made that day to eat in the forest for a snack. Making sacrifices is what interesting men do. He's always fencing in those commercials. That is not interesting. That is boring. Why not just have the most interesting man in the world play backgammon if you really want to push the lame angle. You know what's interesting? Eating bad cuttle fish from a street vendor in China, feeling sick and running home only to lose control of your bowels in a crowded elevator with a bunch of gossipy old ladies. Those ladies never stopped talking about me and the time I crapped in an elevator with them. Why did they always talk about it? Because it was the most interesting thing in the world to them. That's why.  

Why does he always say, "Stay thirsty, my friends"? I don't tell my friends to "stay hungry" or to "stay sleepy." Instead, I say, "Hey, you look hungry. Do you want to go get some barbecue, buddy? I'm buying, pal." And if my friend looks thirsty I'd be like, "Hey, you okay? You want a Gatorade or something?" I'm compassionate like that, you see? That's how interesting men do it.