Devil may care

I saw the Devil today! He did not appear to me as some sinister specter or some Pan-like demon with hoofs and horns. No, he was much more subtle than that. As soon as I saw him I realized that his dark presence is around us all the time. I realized at once I had seen his evil before in the same form. His form of choice. An incarnation so cruel and contemptible that it is nearly unfathomable to conceive of by any sound-minded person. I saw the Devil today dressed in his most despicable disguise. I'm sure it will come as no surprise to many of you: the Devil's darkest, cruelest visage is that of an untoasted bagel. I know, I know. But, just think about it. How many times have you wanted to kill yourself when you go somewhere and you see free bagels, but then you realize that they ARE NOT TOASTED! Ten? Twenty? A hundred times? What mortal thinks that untoasted bagels are even remotely acceptable? Who does that? The Devil, that's who! The Devil wants you to commit suicide when you realize that the only bagels that are available to you are untoasted. There should at least be a toaster on hand--but there isn't! That, my friends, is the Devil at work!


Don't worry, I know how we can defeat him. We must be vigilant and carry toasters with us everywhere we go, the bank, continental breakfast spreads at every shitty motel across this great country of ours. And, of course, to any school event or office party ever. Be strong. Have faith. Not all people will understand. When someone asks why you are carrying a toaster around, just be honest. Tell them that bagels are the Devil and that by toasting the bagels, you destroy his evil power. I think people will understand, because deep down they know it's true. Make sure you send your kids to school with toasters too. I remember a lot of untoasted bagels at school when I was a kid. I would definitely bring this up at the next parent teacher meeting too. Keeping kids safe should be our main priority. Everyone will be grateful. Together we can defeat the Devil with toasters!

Update: many people have been asking how my bees are doing?
They are loving their home and are busy busy busy!

I got a second hive now--it's just too fun having them around. I call this hive Hivey Milk. Hivey Milk needs bees still. But I love his style.

If you have any bees you want to get rid of or if there is a swarm in your backyard let me know, I'll take them--if they are near Santa Barbara, California.

Boobies

This is my new bee hive. I know you might be thinking. . .that's not very funny. But in actuality there are two things that are kind of funny about it. I'll get into it now. This is an ancient method of keeping bees, called top bar bee keeping. The Greeks used it. I love the ancient Greeks, so I thought, hey this is for me. It also helped that the hive is beautiful! It is made of reclaimed lumber by this guy in Malibu who makes these hives to order. I think they are great. I also think the name of his business is great! I think it is super funny. He makes these bee boxes in Malibu. So the name of his business is. . .BuBees. If you want one of these hives, and you should, contact him at www.bubees.com. 

I think a funny thing to do would be to email him late at night to place an order. And hopefully--if you are lucky--your girlfriend, wife, husband, boyfriend or whatever will wake up and see you are on the computer. Hopefully they will say, what are you doing? That will be your cue to get all fidgety and defensive. Be antagonistic. If you play your cards right here, you can get in a fight. Say: "It's none of your business!" That will really spark their curiosity. And if you are really lucky, they will start yelling. Then you say: "I'm on bubees.com, okay?" And they will be like, what! And explain to them it is Malibu Bees.com. They will be like, what the fuck are you talking about? And then just explain you are looking at bee hives. But here's the twist! And this only goes for the guys out there. If you want to make this really funny, try to get an erection while you are on bubees.com. Your girlfriend or wife WILL think you are definitely lying about the bee hive thing! The erection will really make you look guilty! It will be great, I promise! Explain that it was all an elaborate joke, and you wanted to trick them. They will say, "That's not funny" and "You're insane." But deep down it will be the funniest thing ever and it will become their favorite story to tell to their girlfriends. I should say, in order for this to work, it is important to go to bubees.com and not boobies.com--you're really missing the point of the joke if you do that.

The other funny thing about me having this hive is my enthusiasm to handle the bees without taking adequate safety precautions or knowing anything about bees at all. I really don't need to write a lot about how this is funny. Just use your imagination. I'm working with bees and I know nothing about them! Well, I do know one thing: DO NOT PRETEND YOU ARE A BEAR. Seems obvious in retrospect. But in reality, when you are faced with bees in real life, you do want to pretend you are Winnie the Pooh. It was a strong urge in me. I couldn't fight it. Learn from my mistakes. If you do buy a BuBees box--bees really do hate bears, even cool ones like Winnie the Pooh! Who knew! http://bubees.com/bubees/Home.html

Point Awesome

So the other day I went to a polo match. As I was watching all the pretty ponies chukkering and junk, I noticed that the two men in front of me were none other than Tim Burton and Johnny Depp! Yes. And did I eavesdrop? Yes. And am I going to share some of the amazing things I learned? Yes. Well, first off, it will please you to know that those two amazing talents WILL be working on a project together in the near future! Can you imagine what kind of magic that will be! Talk about a dream team of pure entertainment! I am quivering with anticipation! I feel like they are really going to stumble onto a magic recipe for cinematic success with this pairing. Hopefully they will do many many many more in the future. Anyway I was extremely excited to learn about this upcoming collaboration. If you are like me, then of course you are thinking, please please please in this role let Johnny Depp have long hair! When was the last time you saw that, right? Good news. I overheard them talking about their upcoming project and I know what it is. Are you ready for this? It is a remake of--Point Break! And yes, Johnny Depp will be playing Patrick Swayze's character, who--if you remember--had long hair! Who else is in this movie, you are wondering? Well, I heard a few names dropped. Who will play Keanu Reeve's character?--I'm sure you are asking.  Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Who else is in this film? Well. I heard a few other names dropped as well--Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, for one! As well as Brian Austin Green, John Lithgow, and Don Cheadle playing the parts of the hot shot fighter pilot squad! But wait--there was no hot shot fighter pilot squad in Point Break, you are thinking. I guess there is now! Anyway, that's what I overheard. Oh, and the film will have a few other names worth mentioning in it: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Shelley Duvall, and Sir Anthony Hopkins, to name a few. Spread the news! Oh, my god, I'm so excited! I guess they start filming soon. I can't wait another day for this piece of heaven to come out!

My ass and Edward James Olmos are funny in the morning

This morning I woke up and started writing down a few ideas. I was laying on my stomach writing, when I heard my girlfriend's voice. She was in bed next to me talking to me about something. I just zoned her out as per ush. But before I did that, I heard her say she had two nightmares. One, that she was an old French man that was forced to time travel a bunch of times. In the other dream she said she was Edward James Olmos with a buzz cut. That got me thinking? In what movie or TV series did Edward James Olmos have a buzz cut anyway? Maybe Battle Star Galactica at some point. Maybe. Anyway, I was writing and she was talking about stuff, who knows what? While she was talking, and scurrying over me like some sort of spider monkey, I noticed that she stopped to take some pictures of my butt with her phone. I thought nothing of it at the time, because people are always taking pictures of my butt. It is an everyday experience for me. People marvel at beauty. Who am I to stop them? So, I went on writing. A few moments later I heard Rosie (my girlfriend) start to gasp for air. She was convulsing. I was worried. It turned out that she was laughing so hard that she lost all ability to control her body. She was just a squirming giggle pile, convulsing with laughter. About 45 minutes later she came to--maybe more like a minute. Whatever. She became responsive and showed me what she had made and why she was laughing so hard. I thought it was kind of funny. Funny enough for me to post to my blog at least. Not grand mal seizure funny like she thought it was. I do think it makes my butt look sophisticated. It's a look I might try to pursue in the future.

Correction: Rosie did NOT dream she was Edward James Olmos with a buzz cut. Apparently she dreamed she was Edward James Olmos with more of a "New Jack City" kind of haircut. I guess it was some sort of Kid 'n Play kind of haircut (not as big). She wanted me to correct this post. You know, just to be clear. I guess it's important to get these details right. So yeah.

Correction to correction:

Rosie did NOT dream she was Edward James Olmos at all. I guess she dreamed that SHE just had a haircut like Edward James Olmos's character in some famous prison movie. The haircut was more like a "New Jack City" kind of a haircut, but she was still herself. NOT Edward James Olmos. Just so we are clear. Got it?

The unknown Frank Gehry building

The design of this magnificent building is clearly striking, albeit understated. The story goes that sometime after the completion of the Walt Disney Concert Hall in 2003, Gehry was approached by Century 21 to build them an office in Rancho Cucamonga. Many critics thought that after the Concert Hall's completion Gehry had reached the pinnacle of his creativity. But Gehry just became more creative. And more passionate about driving architectural design in directions that only a genius of his magnitude could envision. What came next could only be described as the pinnacle of all human creation and the crowning achievement of Gehry's career.

Water created the Grand Canyon, a marvel of wild and unbridled beauty, a spectacle of breathtaking proportions. Light has the aurora borealis, a magical and ethereal recital of dancing light in the northern skies, to boast of as its own. And man, what can man hold high? And proudly declare, "This...this is mine."? What has man created that will stand shoulder to shoulder with these glorious expressions of nature? What can we proudly display for the universe to rejoice in? I think we have that answer now.